What are you gonna do?

Like most everyone, there are a lot of things that I can't look back on without cringing.

And, no, I don't mean that in the non-literal sense. I'm talking actually, physically cringe inducing.

There are friendships that should have been maintained. Purchases that should have remained cash in my bank account. Jobs I should have likely taken or quit far earlier than I did. Opportunities I should have pursued, obstacles I should have observed and advice I should have listened to.

I should have said "no" more often than I like to think about.

Which is not to throw any shade on the "yeses" that make me very happy, not the least of which being my decision to accept a ride from Baltimore to Philadelphia and a dinner invitation from the man who would one day find himself being referred to as "Leopold" on this blog.

In all honesty, that one probably ranks as the "most of which", if such a thing exists (1).

But, this evening I'm thinking about that road not taken that gets talked so much about. Mostly, I'm wondering if it ever really existed to begin with.

More often than not, when I think of the things that I could have done, or the things that I maybe should not have done, I can still really clearly trace how it is that I would still have ended up in this little attic office, trying to keep my feet warm and listening to Finklestein snoring in her bed.

See, when the marker of another year passing is my birthday, I tend to freak out a little. It makes me anxious. I tend to serve myself a nice cold glass of regret with my cake. New Year's has generally been the same way. A big red "X" for the calendar where we're all supposed to gather around and come up with a list of resolutions for how we will be better in the New Year.

I'm going to be thinner, better read, a better cook, a better housekeeper. I'm going to get a promotion or quit my job or take more trips.

One that I've seen quite a bit this year has been to get off Facebook and spend more times with friends and relatives in the real world.

But even that last one is about fixing something...too many resolutions spring up from what we see as our shortfalls and shortcomings.

The past can't be changed and no one deserves to spend the opening months of the year scolding oneself for decisions made by someone your current self might not entirely recognize.

I will never be on a 30 under 30 list (2) for my writing. This year I'm deciding that that's okay. All I can do is start this New Year as a New Year. All I can do is say "yes" and "no" and "whoa, no thank you, please step away from the car" while thinking more about the future than the past.

Except, of course, for one particular Philly to Baltimore road trip (3).

1. No. I'm not just saying that because you read the blog. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. No. No. No. Stop it.
2. Fine. Or 40 under 40.
3. Yeah. That one was on purpose.